Achmed - the dead Terrorist

Achmed - the dead Terrorist



J: Good evening, Achmed.
A: Good evening, infidel.
J: So, you're a terrorist.
A: Yes, I am a terrorist.
J: What kind of terrorist?
A: A terrifying… terrorist… Are you scared?
J: Not really, no.
A: Arghhh, and now?
J: Not really, no.
A: Aaaargh, how about now?
J: No.
A: God damn it… Oh.. oh.. I meant a Allah damn it. … Silence, I kill you!
J: So, Akhmed.
A: No no, it's Achmed.
J: That's what I said.
A: No, you said Akhmed, it's Achmed, chchchchch. Silence, I kill you!
J: How do you spell it?
A: What!?
J: How do you spell your name?
A: Oh, let's see, A-C-FLEMCH… Silence, I kill you!
J: So, Achmed if you're a terrorist I would supposed you have some sorts of specialty.
A: Yes, I am a suicide bomber.
J: So you finished…
A: What?
J: You've done your job.
A: No, I haven't.
J: But you're dead.
A: No, I'm not. I feel fine.
J: But.. You're All Bone.
A: It's a flesh wound. Silence, I kill you! … What the hell happened to my feet? … Son of the bitch… what the hell… wait a minute… what re you doing....... Stop touching meeeee! I kill you!
J: All right just hold on, we'll fix this.
A: Okay, wait, what are you doing? Holy crap I'm in the air … I need some ligaments.
J: Just seat still.
A: Okay, I will not move my ass.
W: You idiot, you don't have an ass.
A: Is that Walter?
J: Yes.
A: He scares the crap out of me. Please do not put me back in the same suitcase!
J: Why?
A: He has gas, Saddam's mustard gas is nothing compared to Walter fart.
W: Hahahahaha.
A: It's not funny… he will kill us.
J: All right, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you.
A: What?
J: You really are dead.
A: Are you sure?
J: Yes.
A: But, I just got my flu shot!
J: You really are dead.
A: Wait, if I'm dead, that means I get my 72 virgins! Are you my virgins? I hope not!
J: Why?
A: There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out here. If this is paradise I've been screwed!
J: Did they say it would be only female virgins?
A: Holy crap! … Wait, I could have Clay Aiken. Hahahaha. I told a joke.
J: So, listen Achmed, where did you come from?
A: Your freaking suitcase. Hahahahaha. I told anoter one!
J: Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?
A: Oh that's easy! They open the suitcase and I go: Helloooo, I am Lindsay Lohan! Hahaha, I told another joke. I can do this crap too. Okay, here's another one: Two jews walk in a bar…
J: No, no, no.
A: What? What you don't let jews in your bar? You racist bastard!
J: No, what I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.
A: Oh, okay how about if I kill the jews? No, I'm kidding I wouldn't kill the jews … No … I would toss a penny between them and watch them fight to the death! Hahahahaha. Yes yes, I did the same thing with two catholic priests, but I tossed a small boy! Yes yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.
J: Achmed.
A: What?
J: Stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that.
A: Why not, I'm killing…
J: You can't tell jokes like that, it offenses people.
A: Oh… I'm dead, what do I care? What do you want me to do? Knock-knock jokes?
J: It would probably better.
A: Okay. Knock knock.
J: Who's there?
A: Me, I kill you.
J: So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had a training?
A: Of course we had the suicide bomber training camp.
J: Is that a nice facility?
A: It used to be.
J: What happend?
A: New guy.. the idiot tried to practice.
J: What did you guys learn from that?
A: Location, location, location.
J: Do you guys have any kind of model?
A: Like what?
J: You know, like looking for a few good men.
A: We're looking for some idionts with no future.
J: So, where do you get your recruits?
A: The suicide hotline. Hahahaha. That was dark, was it not?
J: So, what exactly happened to you?
A: Eh?
J: What happened?
A: Oh, if you must know, I am a horrible suicide bomber.
J: What happened?
A: I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes, but it went off in 4 seconds. you know what that's like, right? Mister Hurricane?
W: Hahahaha.
J: So, Achmed, What exactly happen to you?
A: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. Can you hear me now? Ghhh! At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.
J: That's too bad.
A: It's okay. I took that Verizon bastard with me.
J: So… what it's like to die, do you see white light?
A: If you're dumb enought to watch the explosion, yes!
J: No, I mean some people say, when they die they see a white light. What did you see?
A: I saw flying car parts.
J: What was the last thing that went through your mind?
A: My ass. Hahahaha. Walter told me to tell that joke.
J: So you never saw a white light?
A: No, but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles? Hahaha… That is not a car, that's a lunchbox. Did you know when you're going down the highway in the Prius and you put hand out the window, the vehicle will tuuurn?
J: You did all this for a bunch of virgins?
A: Are you kidding me? I'd kill you for a Klondike bar!
J: So I guess you are Muslim?
A: I don't think so.
J: You are not Muslim?
A: No.
J: Why?
A: Look at my ass. It says: „Made in China“. Walter says I'm just a strinking Halloween decoration. Hahaha…
J: So you like being in D.C.
A: I think some idiots must live here.
J: Why?
A: For example, the Washington Monument.
J: Yes?
A: It looks nothing like the guy… It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton. Hahaha…
J: What do you think about the Bush.
A: Oh, I love Bush. Oh, you mean the president? I'm sorry.
J: And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist......